Lost

I haven’t stopped to write for a while now.  Too frustrated, tired, and sick I guess.  Life goes on even without my ritual for self preservation.  I wonder sometimes why I fail to find the time to do even the most necessary things.  Writing is breathing and I have been holding my breath for much too long.

I did it.  I wrote him.  I know that this is stupid but I needed the link.  I wonder if it will help.  I wonder if converting both of her parents will somehow make me feel more justified.  However perhaps I am the one that forgot that he is more to me than she ever was.  He knew my mom.  He grew up with her.  He might know her even better than my dad does.  How amazing that would be.  Someone who could tell me what I am.  I feel so lost right now.  I guess it because of the cancer, but I feel as though I am moments away from being that lost orphan who has no family and no past.  I feel like I am about to become lost.  Maybe it is because I am older now.  More complete and more afraid of whom I am destined to become.  I don’t know why I ramble.  I do hope though that he understands his daughter and still can love me.

Living

There are moments lately when I find myself struggling to breathe.  I gasp sometimes, falter, and fall down; half exhausted, half discouraged.  I enjoy everyday, every single one of them, even yesterday when I reigned the victor of a food fight, a vomit competition, and a pissing war.  However, so often I find that the weight is literally sitting on my chest waiting to cave in my lungs and push my heart into my backbone.  Perhaps that is my problem.  Perhaps my heart just needs to get a backbone.  Is courage the ingredient lacking in my will to succeed? 

I have been pushed so far recently.  Pushed by a fussy, needy baby.  Pushed by an increasingly annoying hubby.  Pushed by being a mother of four never resting and never forgiving little boys.  It makes me ill.  Honestly it makes me ill to think about going to bed once again to wake up with two boys in my bed suffocating me and drain all the strength I have left. 

There are times I just want to scream along with them.  It is all so frustrating.