To blog or not to blog

So it has been awhile.  Too long for my own sanity I think.  I feel insane right now.  Like if the world keeps spinning I will just fall off. 

I got bit by a spider.  I almost died.  They told be not to give up.  As though dying really sounded like a viable option.  I had a Christmas miracle.  So now I’m thinking “I almost went to hell, why should I have to live in it while I’m still alive.”  Venting is good for removing fire and brimstone in my life.  I shall vent more often.  I shall create the life I want and not let life create my happiness.

Muted

Six daggers of piercing silence
Each of them gifts from you
As you glare in hatred at me
And quietly pace the room
I have played the ace again
Expecting you to understand
To bow down in admiration
Expected you to comprehend
But my articulation falls heavy on defended ears
And hatred grows in hidden corners
Drowning out my muted tears

Hiatus

I have been lost
Hidden among the weeds and woes
Looking for my answers sought
Longing for dreams I once forgot
Depression weakens the pull of the moon
In endless darkness I have succumb
A long hiatus simply overdue
Tears my heart away from you

Waves of Inconsistency

Frustrating.
This constant wave of chaotic inconsistency
Where desire becomes lost in mundane things
Forgotten all hopes, dreams, and simplicity
Broken vows and wedding rings
Punished by unrelenting silence
A scream of deafening quiet
When love is met with noncompliance
And you continue to deny it
When the ever present beast of burden
Claws at my broken heart
Dissecting it like a skillful surgeon
Forever tearing it apart
Until there is nothing that remains
But this constant wave of inconsistency

Hurt now

It seems that you have become immune
To the power of the heavenly moon
Failing to recognize the divine sight above
Given to us through God’s hope and love
Your values have become somehow misbegotten
Your dreams and hopes lay on the floor forgotten
And life is nothing more than a plague
Destroyed by me each and every day

Dear Mom

Did you know that I am good at math? 
97 in statitistics.  Not too bad.  I’m five classes away from graduating with a 4.0.  I’m going to go to law school. 
Did you know that? 
I’m going to be a juvenile defender. Help all the kids like me I guess.
Did you know I drive a beautiful new car, and live in a beautiful house? 
We worked hard for them, but now we have them.  At 25 we have them.  I think that’s pretty good. 
Did you know that I’m a good person? 
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’ve never done drugs.  I don’t even remember the last time I lied, well I guess it was about the macaroni and cheese. 
Do you remember that? 
I actually am a good person.  I make mistakes, a lot of them, but I’m a good person. 
Did you know that? 
I have three boys now.  Three amazing boys that despite what you think are being raised well.  They are respectful and kind.  They have gentle souls.  They care about people.  Even Arden. I guess you don’t know who he is.  I guess you don’t know any of them. 
Every year I send you a letter and let you know about us.  Every year you look at the beautiful faces of my children and just don’t care.  What a cruel hearted bitch you are. 
Did you know that after six years of this I still dream about you? 
I still think about you and wonder why.  I still ask God to help me find a way to fix it.
Did you know I hate myself because of you? 

Thanks Mom

Doorknob

There was this moment, this second
When you grew just another half inch
Just enough to reach the doorknob
And open it
Somehow I missed the moment
Too caught up in this crazy world
And even though I knew it was coming
I failed to catch you in time.

Suffocation

It hurts to breathe again
Like my lung is caught in a vice
Trapped between desire and reality
A forgotten tryst, a forgotten trust
Your soul is lost to me again
I am left ashamed and seeking
It is all so very suffocating

Block

Step, block
A twisting road of hate and pain
A staccato dance we play
Both blocked with every step we take
Step, block
A forgotten give and take
And then someone simply walks away
Refusing to waste another day

Arden’s missing

For a whole ten minutes you were gone
Lost behind the shirts and pants
So caught up in your little game of play
Ignorant that I was not playing
For a  whole ten minutes the bile rose in my throat
And the panic continued to increase
As eyes searched despartly for little blonde hair
In between racks of blue jeans
For a whole ten minutes my infant hid
So far away from my arm’s reach
Playing his little game of hide and seek
Believing it all pretend

But now I hate me more than ever before
The mother I have come to be