My quilt

Throbbing fingers falter
Tender from each misguided prick
Hopes and dreams patched together
With glue and string to make them stick.
Lives are sewn together
Hastily but carefully played
An intricate pattern emerges
And a patchwork quilt is made.
Some seams are made to be ripped
And squares to be pulled out clean
While others must be cut
And jagged edges must remain.
My quilt is full of holes
Pieces that have been worn through
Missing parts of my life
That use to guide me through.
But you have always been the string
That has mended up my tears
That has guided and has comforted me
Throughout the passing years.
My quilt is worn and ragged
And bloody dots show through in spots
But I know that it will last me through
Because every string ends with a knot.

Closed

I closed the chapter of my life where you reside.
I finally had the courage to put you up in the place reserved only for memories.
It took awhile, was painful, was sad, but now it is done.
You are done.
A finished chapter in a book that was good enough to read but not worth holding on to.

Goodbye

Characterized as Human

Welcome to the mind of madness
Crammed in between simplicity and chaos
An open door into imagination
Sorrow, joy, and unrelenting inconsistency
A character defined by no identifiable characteristic
Forgotten in a sea of others
Lost between you and them
Wavering on the waves of thought and temptation
Randomly bitchy, congruently sweet
Simply human and undeniably so

Ignorance

Your ignorance is palpable
An acid spew of filth so haphazardly laid
The fool you play, the foul jester
The disgusting whore who wails the wrong tune
Your own reassurances are faulty
Wrongly written and absurdly mistaken
You the ignorant bitch so highly placed
Will be beautiful only when you fall

To blog or not to blog

So it has been awhile.  Too long for my own sanity I think.  I feel insane right now.  Like if the world keeps spinning I will just fall off. 

I got bit by a spider.  I almost died.  They told be not to give up.  As though dying really sounded like a viable option.  I had a Christmas miracle.  So now I’m thinking “I almost went to hell, why should I have to live in it while I’m still alive.”  Venting is good for removing fire and brimstone in my life.  I shall vent more often.  I shall create the life I want and not let life create my happiness.

Dear Mom

Did you know that I am good at math? 
97 in statitistics.  Not too bad.  I’m five classes away from graduating with a 4.0.  I’m going to go to law school. 
Did you know that? 
I’m going to be a juvenile defender. Help all the kids like me I guess.
Did you know I drive a beautiful new car, and live in a beautiful house? 
We worked hard for them, but now we have them.  At 25 we have them.  I think that’s pretty good. 
Did you know that I’m a good person? 
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’ve never done drugs.  I don’t even remember the last time I lied, well I guess it was about the macaroni and cheese. 
Do you remember that? 
I actually am a good person.  I make mistakes, a lot of them, but I’m a good person. 
Did you know that? 
I have three boys now.  Three amazing boys that despite what you think are being raised well.  They are respectful and kind.  They have gentle souls.  They care about people.  Even Arden. I guess you don’t know who he is.  I guess you don’t know any of them. 
Every year I send you a letter and let you know about us.  Every year you look at the beautiful faces of my children and just don’t care.  What a cruel hearted bitch you are. 
Did you know that after six years of this I still dream about you? 
I still think about you and wonder why.  I still ask God to help me find a way to fix it.
Did you know I hate myself because of you? 

Thanks Mom

Dented

You are the man who refuses the can
With a dent on one side
Opting instead for a lesser brand
You turn the can to show the world
That you the man have found a rejectable can
Judging the quality inside the can
Based on the container as judged by the man
Failing to see that the can
Might hold the sweets product known to man
However it is the man that dented the can
When he threw it across the aisle
Now no one wants the dented can
As for the man
He simply turns his back on the can
As he walks away as quickly as he can

Pretending

How is that your smile never seems to go past the edge of your nose?
It becomes lost in front of that patch of pain and hate
You fail to see me clearly because your eyes are as always blind
And the feeling that rages inside your soul is disgust for my incompetency
You can pretend as long as you desire that my words cause you no harm
But I am not a fool any more than you are
Leave it alone

Church Prayers

They shimmered in the light
A million tiny shards of glass pressed into a window frame
And the colors danced around me
A sea of blue and green
And the man stood behind the pew
Sweat glistened from his hair
And I thought to myself
What a pathetic waste of God’s lifegiving flair
I sang that day
As I silently prayed
That God would take him far away
So I could be free of his hurtful hand
And that night I got the news
The pig was dead
And I thanked God in heaven above
For showing him no compassion or love.

To A

Softly spoken words of hope I send to you now out of condolences.  Friend, take with you my love and faith.  You ARE stronger than you pretend to be.  Love and endless praise is my gift you.  Take it and live a better day tomorrow.  I wish I could make everything okay.  Share your pain a little.  It seems that I am instead consumed inside my own.  I am sorry I can’t be a better friend.  I know you need one now.  I hope that this weekend sends you some peace.  I love you, A.  Take care.