There was this sinking feeling today.
This dreaded thump of each heartbeat.
A slow and steady rush that was once welcomed but now seems tainted.
Where has your perfection gone?
The hopes and dreams dashed upon the ultrasound screen.
There is this scream inside my head that ignores my soul.
How can my heart love you so much but my mind falter at the words?
And always this echo
“If we had known sooner you could have had an abortion”
Each flutter is a reminder of my guilt
A reminder of my fear
And constantly I think I must be the brain damaged one.

There was this moment, this second
When you grew just another half inch
Just enough to reach the doorknob
And open it
Somehow I missed the moment
Too caught up in this crazy world
And even though I knew it was coming
I failed to catch you in time.

For a whole ten minutes you were gone
Lost behind the shirts and pants
So caught up in your little game of play
Ignorant that I was not playing
For a  whole ten minutes the bile rose in my throat
And the panic continued to increase
As eyes searched despartly for little blonde hair
In between racks of blue jeans
For a whole ten minutes my infant hid
So far away from my arm’s reach
Playing his little game of hide and seek
Believing it all pretend

But now I hate me more than ever before
The mother I have come to be

I woke today thinking of you
Sometimes it tortures me so
The constant what-if and I wonder what
My wondering makes me ill
Keeps this knot in my throat
Even now
I wonder
Were you my daughter?

A tender tear
Carried ashes on summer’s breath
Good bye, sweet child

Star dust lingers through eyelids heavy
Dew soaked and twilight encased
Silent dreams filter through Spiderman bedding
Fears and worries in your head are replaced
In your dreams you are equals still
Neither worse or better than another
And gaping wounds begin heal
Within the grasp of the loving mother

But sadly silent dreams begin to fade
In the garish light of each new day

Mommy, I’m sad and I don’t know why
Today I just want to lay in bed and cry
There’s this lump in my chest that wont go away
God won’t remove it even though I pray
And so the child lays down to rest
And I sit there tormented in my cloud of stress
Consumed in his bought of sadness still
Failing to understand his childish will
And slowly day turns into night
And I think that he will be alright
But then he says in his little whine
Mommy, I hope the kids will be fine
And I look at him in confusion ridden
Hoping my fears have remained hidden
And so I send him upstairs to get in his bed
Promising his fears are just in his head
And it took me awhile to gain insight
Sitting down to watch the news last night
Then I understood what he had talked about
The images I saw left little doubt
This little prophetic child of mine
Who had wept for these people before it was time

My final stand against your adulthood has come and gone
Tomorrow you will be a king, and I will be a passing stranger
It seems that I am the only one acutely aware of this fact
That each strand of fallen hair
Represented a minute of your childhood lost
Tomorrow you will be an adult
But your golden threads you shed today
Will always be mine
Locked away in a hidden place
A piece of my baby that will not grow away

Golden threads
Fallen strands of your infancy
Baby’s first haircut

Mother nature’s cure for idleness
Irresistible fingers and toes
Rosy pink complexion
Always crying, laughing, smiling
Constant comedian
Lavender baby wash
Ever lasting adoration