The letter

You said I never cared about you, what a misconception that one is.  I cared about you every day.  I cared about you when you snuck out at night to go drink and party with people much too old for you to hang out with.  I cared about you when I saw your heart broken over assholes and pricks that never would fully appreciate you.  I cared about you when Mike hurt your feelings and we wrote terrible things about him in order to make you feel better.  I cared about you while we spent hours trying to find the actual definition for words like whore and asshole.  I cared enough about you that I kept those definitions in a memory box for the last fifteen years or so.  I cared about you every Sisterly Love Night when we spent hours cooking macaroni and playing games and watching movies.  I cared about you more than I did anyone else in the world.  You were my sister (although yes I know this isn’t really true), my friend, my partner in crime.  I cared.I cared for you every minute I was in basic and AIT.  I wondered how you were and wished you well.  And when I came home from there I cared enough to send you cards with my return address in a hope you would write back.  I cared enough to invite you to my wedding; of course you were going through basic then and couldn’t have come anyway.  I cared enough to hunt you down time and again.  To keep searching for you through any avenue I could think of.  I cared always.  And when I was told not to bother you again I cared enough I couldn’t breathe and I vomited from crying so hard.  I cared enough that I couldn’t respond to your hateful words and outright lies.  I cared enough that I respected your words and let it be, although it devastated me.  I cared and still care.And while you say not calling is a copout I would like to remind you that it was not.  There was that one time when we were dying of the flu on the way to Florida, when your mother pulled me into the front seat and explained to me that I would not be going home with her. I had written things in my diary that she had not approved of.  I had called her Janet instead of mom which showed she really wasn’t my mom.  For an entire vacation I sat waiting to be dropped off at Jim’s door.  And when she “abandoned” me there I ran out to the car crying and screaming that I wanted to go home with you.  After groveling enough my apology was accepted and I was able to go home.  From then on I kept a fake diary that said what I thought she would want to hear, so she would not disown me again.  I became a lie.  And still the threat of being disowned hung over my head.  So yes, I was afraid to call.  I was afraid to be disowned.  Of course because I was afraid the thing I feared actually happened.  And of course there is the fact that you could have called.  You were old enough to contact me whenever you wanted.  I was then and still am, no more than a phone call away.  You are also correct in the assumption that I was never part of your family.  No, I was not.  I lost my family in a matter of days when my mother died.  I lost everything I knew.  When I moved into your family I was lost and alone.  My own sister, the piece of my mother that still remained, was told she was only welcomed into your family unless she called your mother mom.  Jenn refused.  She stayed in Maine and for the next ten years of my life I was told she had chosen her friends over me.  Her letters were thrown in memory boxes unopened, her calls were always recorded.  She was told not to contact me.  And so I lost my family.  However the pseudo family your mother tried to create was very much lacking.  You were always the favorite, as you should have been.  No matter what I did it was not good enough.  My grades and my behavior was not because I was good, but because I was deceitful.  I was the cat and you were the dog, remember?  And the family vacations were taken while I was at my dad’s playing Skip-bo and reading books.  Do you remember when we were allowed to go to Las Vegas only if our grades were good enough?  Your’s were not; I still haven’t been.  And the little hand-me-downs that you got and I wished I could have, like the shirt she wore when she was in high school.  Janet pretended I was her daughter, but did not treat me like one.   I was punished for not being part of your family, but I was never really allowed to be part of it.  And then have you ever considered the fact that I was disowned?  No matter the actions of a child a parent still loves them.  A parent does not disown a child because they upset them, made them angry, embarrassed them, or hurt their feelings.  A parent does not sit by while their child lives their own life.  A parent does not force a child out of their lives, they welcome them in whenever they decide to come back.  That is what a parent does.  The prodigal son proves that not only does a parent do that, but a Christian does that.  I was disowned because I was never the daughter.  I was never part of the family.  Sadly, I was never part of the family because I never was allowed to be.I wish I could make you see things the way they were.  I wish we could talk like old friends catching up on life.  I had once hoped you would come play with the boys.  I had wanted you to be their godmother.  I have a guest room that I thought you could use.  I never realized your hatred and your resentment.  I never believed I had abandoned you.  I am sorry for how I have made you feel.  I will continue to love you and care about you, because I remember you as you were.  The little girl that use to be my best friend.  Take care, Alex.  ~Amanda

Searching

Somewhere down this dark and tiresome road
A stranger sits amidst the weeds
Searching the horizon still
Waiting forever just to find me
Missing my soul as part of their life
Wishing I was there again
Recognizing all my pain and strife
Desiring just be my friend
And so I walk quickly down the path
Searching for that girl again
But this person I just imagined
The girl no longer wants this friend

Abandoned

The scream is stuck behind my collarbone
A choke of frustration and anger
I wonder why you didn’t love
How you looked into the eyes of such a little girl
And lied
You failed me when I needed you
Spit at me when you were all I needed
Pushed me away because of your embarrassment
How could you abandon your daughter
Now I have no one
Fuck you then

Quiet

Forgotten silence
Where untold secrets hide
Gentle tears fall

Sweet Dreams

Hush child
The soft glow of the moon is strong tonight
The darkness will be as though daylight
The nightlight is on and the bulb is bright
It will give you eyes through all of the night
Don’t fear child
God has heard your prayers tonight
Teddy’s safe and tucked in tight
Sweet dreams will come and make it alright
Like summers and snowflakes and flying your kite
Close your eyes little one
Keep hold of my love
God will protect us
From heaven above

Lost Love

Forgotten existence in deep silence hide
The ability you had to make her your bride
The failure is mine
As it is all the time
To make you see that I am me
That I am more than what I seem
But your understanding was lost in the translation
Hatred increased by your frustration
Why is it that I failed to realize
That you never looked me in the eye
When you said Baby I love you

Frozen Heart

How chilled my heart becomes
In the summer’s heat
A solid chunk of ice and snow
Toughened with hatred
Impossible to penetrate
But somehow
You know
How to slam it into the ground
Just so
It breaks into pieces.

Misunderstood

It isn’t even the money
Although in truth that did upset me
But the fact that here I stay
Taking on this full responsibility
Living my life in order to support you
Caring for your full grown seed
Fighting just to breathe
While you waste away everything
Its the fact that I am so sad I do not eat
And you have not even noticed

I taste it now
Divorce is bitter

Heartbeats

A thousand untold heartbeats
Caught in this heart of mine
All of them surrendered just for you
But away you flew on Satan’s wings
To steal away from me everything
My heartbeats just weren’t enough it seems

Constant lies and never ending sadness
Is what remains of my beating heart

Confused

Many times I fail to understand
The steps behind your master plan
Simply unable to comprehend
The reasons my heart will not mend
Questioning instead if I fit in
If I am part of this or is it all pretend
And sadly it seems that yet again
The stupid blond girl here remains
Ignorant to the methods you use
For it seems all of us are only your tools
Used for self promotion