Biding My Time With You

How long must I hold my breath
Until I fall asleep?

With eyes shut tight I pray to God
That you will just get up and leave
Your words are saturated in your hate
Your apologies less sincere
And I truly feel your thoughts for me
Are full of complacency
Each passing night I wait for the talk
That will end your husbandry obligations
Sometimes I wonder why you don’t just walk
And end it all right here

Admit you hate this life that we lead
But you wait and I wait in silent understanding
And the couch becomes your bed
A haven for you to absorb your private world
A place I can not comprehend

3:22 am

Sometime between three and four today
I forgot about my responsibility
In the quiet of this unfriendly house
I realized that I had lost the me in me
That somewhere around noon
The me had been consumed
Squished in between you and them
But now, at say 3:22, I recognize
That the me is simply going to have to hide
Until I have left you behind

Nonsense

Your beautiful eyes looked into my soul
And saw my torment and strife
You held me tight on this rainy day
You promised to take my hurt away
I caressed your soft locks of golden hair
And I asked you to understand
That’s it is not fair
To place the burden of the world
In the hands of such a little man

And you smiled at me in your gentle way
And you promised it would be okay
Mommy I will protect you against all that you fear
I am the Hulk as strong as a tree
Danger can’t hurt you without passing through me

And I hugged you deeper in spite of myself
And a smile parted my tears
And even though I thought you would mind
You let me cry on your shoulder this time

I love you Isaiah

Church Prayers

They shimmered in the light
A million tiny shards of glass pressed into a window frame
And the colors danced around me
A sea of blue and green
And the man stood behind the pew
Sweat glistened from his hair
And I thought to myself
What a pathetic waste of God’s lifegiving flair
I sang that day
As I silently prayed
That God would take him far away
So I could be free of his hurtful hand
And that night I got the news
The pig was dead
And I thanked God in heaven above
For showing him no compassion or love.

Lost in Sunday

Lyrically seeking to hold your heart
I smile in sweet remembrance
Gently I fall into your arms
Relishing in love without interference
I wish I could lay here with you forever
Lost inside you warm embrace
But tomorrow I must return to the world
Full of work and endless disgrace

Oral Lessons

You pushed it inside my mouth
Said take it bitch
And I gaged on you
the taste of you
I was seven years old
You know you want it you little cunt

Tears silently seeping from the rip in my heart
Bite. Scream. Blood.
Fuck you bitch
Bruises remain

Punch. Punch. Punch.
And more tears flood through the break in my heart
More blood from her misguided hand
Mom stop he didn’t mean to
And my wall forms around the rip
A dam used to hold back my flood of tears
And the injustice becomes a habit
A consequence of your uncaring soul

God’s hand

You picked up the precious life and held it in your hand
For seventy years you caressed it
Cared for it
Willed it to survive
And then today you made a fist
And that life died

Wielded Heart

Do you even notice
The tear inside my heart
That ripped that day you walk away
And tore it clean apart
I mended it with kisses
I sewed with my faith
But now the mending is beginning
to come undone from hate
This tear inside my heart
must be wielded with your love
Taken into your shop
and fixed with hope and trust
But you leave it in this shell
The shell of me that I am now
And the tear grows a little deeper
Because time for me is not allowed

Dad

How is it that a sinner can shine like an angel up above?
How is it that your black heart does not soil your whitest glove?
How is it that you never hear the words I try to say?
How is it that I can love you though in your faith you’ve strayed?

You are a demon, I understand that
Posessed by worldly desire
But somehow I can not see you
As a hurtful, cruel hearted liar
I scream inside own my heart
to understand that you are mad
But how can I do that
When I call this monster Dad

Silent words

I cut the silence with this knife
And ate it with this fork
Enveloped in it like a blanket
Tucked in by daily chores
I held this hand out to you
I beg you for your grasp
But instead of holding onto me
You left me stuck inside this trap
Fogotten now upon this shelf
Alone in silence and in fear
Wishing I could break your shell
And pull you inside of here
You say so much with your silence
It helps to heal the pain
Sadly the thought of your hurtful words
Persistently remains

You say so much more in your silence
Than in a thousand long versed poems