Gaging on your words

I took it in my mouth
I wrenched down on it as hard as I could
I broke it into a million tiny shards
Mixed them in with my spit
I tried not to gag on it
I tried to keep my eyes focused straight at yours
And I chewed for as long as I could
But then I realized
What the fuck is the point?
And I spit it back at you
I am through swallowing your shit
Believing your lies
They lay at your feet now
Pick them up and carry them with you
Or smash them into the tile
But I am walking away

Babby baby

Lost inside your deep blue eyes
I see the silent moonlight rise
And I hold your hand so small and sweet
Warm loving tears begin to seep
I wish that she could see you now
Grown so big and tall somehow
I lie to myself every time I try to say
That I love you all the same each day
But you are different from the rest
I held you tight upon my breast
And that you can never outgrow
The way I love you and that I know
Sleep tight baby bunting
Sleep tight

 ~Mommy

Suicide?

They whispered behind my back
As though I was too dumb to understand
But the words you said hurt like a knife
Ripped my heart into a thousand shreds
Did you think I was too young to know?
The thoughts you screamed at me
You looked at me with saddened eyes
But inside you were glad she was gone
She might have been sick, sad, and crazy
But suicidal, no
Lost inside her world of fear
She was braver than any of you
She did not pull the executioner’s straw
She is gone
Drop it and look away

The WIC office

She sat so close I could smell the beer
But the bottle was not to be found
And I watched her wipe away her tears
While we waited for the rining sound.
We waited in line for an hour or so
And I watched her pace back and forth
And a small child yanked on her coat
And quietly pleaded to go
But she ignore the busseling tot
And hurried on with her day
Filed the paperwork that she had got
And yanking her baby girl went along on her way
And I watched as she threw that little girl into the car
No seatbelt to hold her in
And they drove off burning marks into the paving tar
And I thought, My God what a sin
That little girl was going to become her mom
If she was able to survive that long
But instead of stopping the problematic scence
I stepped up and took her place in line

Sickday

The fever rages deep in him
Eating him from the inside out
“Mommy I’m cold”
And he shivers inspite of himself
So helpless and pained he lives inside this shell
Closed off from world we know
And I wonder what he sees behind those forgiving eyes
A victim of a discouraging world
Who only wants to save us all
Through his faith in humanity
But first he must make it through nap time

Broken

I swallowed too much of your shit
Believed too many of your lies
Held your hand for much too long
Stayed with you as though in a trance
But you are not worth it
Not worth it for me to baby
I need to tell you the cold hard truth
You are not pathetic
You are not dumb
You are not talentless
You are not helpless
You ARE capable of a thousand things
You do not even understand
Don’t hate me
I am letting go now

Fighting Words

Three words scream inside my head tonight
GO TO HELL!
Who would have thought a compliment would cause a fight
I guess I should have
Did you know that you never fight fair
You know too much about me
And you use it to break me down beyond repair
It is not my fault he is a molaster
Why do you insist on bringing it up every time?
Are you afraid I am like him?
But instead of expressing this to you I vent it in rhyme
Did you forget about my abuse?
The daughter of a monster
Your family isn’t perfect either
Defiantly not the Cleavers
In your denial you have become a foolish liar
Stupid girl
Remind me next time I wish to say how amazing you are
That I might as well go stand in-front of a speeding car
Because you are going to leave my heart bleeding
And shattered all over the floor

Goodnight

Sleep will find me today
For the first time in years it seems
Hanging on to angel’s wings
I will soar into the world of dreams
The cold sheets will brush my skin
Sending shivers down my spine

Thank you Lord for this little break
A few hours with out words of spite
Let the darkness rush upon me Lord
Like a sea of endless night
And wake me in the morning
With his love for me in sight

To A

Softly spoken words of hope I send to you now out of condolences.  Friend, take with you my love and faith.  You ARE stronger than you pretend to be.  Love and endless praise is my gift you.  Take it and live a better day tomorrow.  I wish I could make everything okay.  Share your pain a little.  It seems that I am instead consumed inside my own.  I am sorry I can’t be a better friend.  I know you need one now.  I hope that this weekend sends you some peace.  I love you, A.  Take care.

The Willow

God,

Please help me to guide my son

To teach him faith in the lord above.

 

Help me to take away his fears

And lend a shoulder to absorb his tears.

 

Please help him to understand that the world is rough

Full of pitfalls and heartaches and much that is tough.

But that it is noble to stand up and fight

For the causes and feelings he knows must be right.

 

Please help me to show him the power of rain

To wash, and to cleanse, and to take away pain.

 

And to teach him the strength of the willow tree

Help him to understand that it is more than it seems.

Although as strong as an oak it wilts to the ground

Not because it is lazy or isn’t as proud.

But because it is humble in the sight of the lord

And uses its branches as a way to adore.

And so it hangs its head all the way down

Holding it in an endless bow.

 

Please help him to be like this holy tree

Made even stronger by his faith in thee